For lack of a better cliché- I fell down a rabbit hole last night. The plan was to stop by a friend’s place for a bit before going to the bar alone for a couple of drinks. I ran into a spiritual catalyst as I was about to go to the bar and I was off on a spontaneous “me” adventure. It had been too long…
I decided that I wanted to go for a drive and as I started driving, I started to remember who I am. Daily life has been taking it’s toll and I was feeling dragged down and miserable. I opened to the night to see what it would bring. I used to go for drives to think and to relax. I used to drive people places and I would randomly end up at parties, meeting new people, or talking myself out of some sort of trouble. I started to fall into nostalgia and my skin started to feel like it fit again. The tension began to melt it’s way down through the car floor and into the road. I could feel it being left behind. Oh how I miss road tripping- even those short little afternoon trips.
A song I had never heard came on the radio… “Varsity” by Smith Westerns. It struck something deeper within me. I felt my body start to move and an old familiar feeling sunk in. A friend that I miss terribly slid into the passenger seat and I immediately thought of the video for “Daniel” by Bat For Lashes and how that song reminded me of him and here I was dancing in the car with his ghost… I was going to put that song on my iPod as soon as “Varsity” was over; but something told me to just play my iPod. When I’m on these spontaneous adventures, I let my whims and intuition carry me on the wind. (Flying by night, I have heard people say of me. Fickle, others will say)
The first song that came on my iPod was “Jubilee Street” by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. I hadn’t ever really listened to it before, but it felt right and continued to strike in me the nostalgia for the friend I felt with me. I was back in 1995… driving around with him… mostly just listening and feeling the music we played. Daydreaming about being Bonnie and Clyde while we went from one illegal activity to another… the night that guy pulled a gun, the night we ended up at the lake and just sat in each other’s energy feeling the pull while he twirled my hair… “look at me now, look at me flying” He tells me through Nick Cave…
Then on comes Kate Nash “OHMYGOD!” and OHMYGOD I really do miss him. It’s so silly after so many years, yet it’s not. I have felt some similar connections, but not long enough to outlast my memories. I know I’m afraid to let those memories go… I know I should, but I don’t know how I would redecorate that space. I promised I wouldn’t forget him.
“Burning Desire” Lana Del Rey… geez really iPod we had to go there. When I first heard Lana Del Rey 2 years ago, I thought of him. She knows the connection we had. This song reminded me of when he was gone and I wouldn’t hear from him for weeks or months and how much I tried to conceal that pull, but it was there and just when I thought it was all in my head, he would show up at my door or one of my “spots”. It took awhile, but eventually I realized (too late) that he always had me on his radar screen.
Then my iPod goes into this rotation of Lana with Concrete Blonde which was eerie and fitting. “God is a Bullet” came on. Woah. Holy shit. I almost had to pull over. Considering he died from a bullet to the head… that should explain that. Holy shit again. I just kept saying that and couldn’t think about anything for several minutes. I think I was nearing the place that I could have gone to drive to his grave, but I learned the lesson about going there at night.
By this point in my drive, I realized I was on a date with a ghost. I felt insane for a split second then I realized that it’s my dream and I can make it what I want. Then Lana comes on again “Body Electric”
“FUCK, REALLY?!” I yelled out the window to the sky raising a fist to retrograde Mercury for bringing this all to the front of my mind. I haven’t thought about his body next to mine in a long time… but it was soooo electric… it’s always been so strange to think of how that body is turning back to earth now.
Then “Walking in London” by Concrete Blonde. At that point it all went to some other dimension of WTF.
“This deja-vu feeling
I know quite well
This psychic confusion
This living hell
A cosmic connection
With someone somewhere
Is coming from your direction
I swear, I swear”
“An invisible touch
On the back of my neck
I’m either going insane
Or I’m a human wire
Receiving a signal
My life starts to feel like a movie again. So I start to think about that as Lana comes back on with “American” and the tears swelled up… and let loose when “Lock Your Doors” by Death Grips came on. I could hear him in my head rapping this randomly while hanging out as he often did… he would have LOVED this shit. Would have loved it; or does love it? That line was growing more and more blurry as I think I have handed him control of my iPod. I see him doing his rap dance as I dance along with him in my car. I felt totally insane by that point, but I didn’t even care. JUST FOR THE FUCK OF IT.
So I decided to go back to Concrete Blonde and “Dance Along the Edge” because it reminds me of every strong connection I have ever felt with a guy since my first heartbreak. Always afraid to jump in. My biggest regret with this one particular guy because he died the night I decided I would give it a shot when I had been pushing him away for months. THE SAME FUCKING NIGHT. WHY?! FUCK WHY?! Then the song “Joey” pops into my head because it used to remind me of him whenever I heard it. It especially reminds me of that night. He had asked me to hang with him and I blew him off, but I was hurting and thinking of him all that night. (That song randomly came on the radio today and I cried).
I start thinking about the movie again and what that might look like, so I had to take a objective point of view. What I saw was that I was his driver that he had an on/off again affair with and loved deeply though he had another more shallow relationship. I was mostly a secret, though our friends knew. There were only a couple of people who knew that we were close, so I hold it in so much because I don’t think anyone would truly understand the connection we had. The one person who truly knew, is gone.
I just started watching Boardwalk Empire this week (only watched the first two episodes so far) so I was thinking about all the stuff we did and how I was a driver and the thought pops into my head “I’M LIKE AL CAPONE!” then I thought, “or maybe I’m just like Jimmy.” I laughed at myself knowing that he would have laughed right along with me and probably would have told me that I’m more like Jimmy and then I would have charley-horsed his upper arm. Or maybe that is what I would want to happen. It’s all such a dream after so much time. Do I remember him as he was? Of course I do, and of course I don’t. I romanticize things, but we did that together too… like when he tried to sell that diamond wedding ring he stole saying he wanted to buy me an engagement ring (Real version- I told him I wouldn’t accept a dirty ring. Or would I have? Hmmmm) That ring is still buried treasure somewhere as far as I know and I think it’s buried with the one thing he stole from me- my high school class ring. I know he took it because he told me he wanted it and I told him I wasn’t going to give it to him and I never saw it after that. Maybe he even alluded to that himself when he was alive. The same trip that we took to the pawn shop (he insisted on taking the higher caliber stuff he stole to pawn shops outside the county) was the trip we daydreamed about being Bonnie and Clyde. I think we even got into detailed plans about how we would go about our heist. I’m still not entirely sure he was daydreaming, especially after he pulled a shotgun on me one night and told me that he was done with life and he was taking me with him. The gun wasn’t loaded and he said he was kidding… but was he? That line was always so fuzzy. Look at how he died. No one is even totally sure if it was an accident, suicide, or murder. There were so many differences in the stories from that night.
I know I need to let this all go… I’m hoping this purge is a help. I think last night was a catharsis of sorts. I feel so much better and lighter now.
After the drive, I did head to the bar to get a couple of drinks. There was some interesting conversation, but I remained solitary. Then I decided to text a friend who had told me to have a good night and I let him know that I was having a good night. We got to talking and I ended up driving him home from where he was. He made me some tacos and gave me an armload of chocolate leftover from the store he works at.
Later I realized I had relived the video for “Daniel” and the friend I visited at the end of the night was the one who introduced me to that video in the first place… It circled back around.
Sometimes it seems that everything has meaning… but ‘there are no reasons’- as the ghost would say.